Iris
by Misty Yuy
Summary: 5 yrs after the wars, Heero has fallen into a deep depression. It's only a matter of time now before it all ends and Heero takes the final step. Deathfic, yaoi-shonen-ai, 12


Title: Iris  
Rating: R  
Genre: Songfic, Angst, Lots of it… deathfic, self mutilation-suicide.   
Swearing…  
Summary: 5 yrs after the wars, Heero has fallen into a deep   
depression and is having a hard time in coming to terms with his own   
existence. His love for Duo drives him further into believing that he   
is responsible for all that has happened in the past and the mistakes   
he made. He remembers it all and questions his motives. Finally   
taking his own advice "To act on his emotions"  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own GW, and don't own Iris either… that belongs to   
The Goo Goo Dolls… don't sue…all you'll get is the `finger'  
  
A/N: This is what happens when I go into depression, I start writing   
all this angst and death stuff. I like it… cause it relieves tension   
and stress. And everyone wonders why I come put with so many   
deathfics. Some of the dialogue in this fic may disturb.  
  
Many thanks to Moffit for beta-ing this fic for me.  
  
  
Misty Yuy  
  
~~~  
  
Gazing out at the vastness of the blue pacific, I was firmly balanced   
on the very edge of the cliff bout 100 meters above the rocks that   
bedded the base of the cliff where the waves crashed and roared. The   
motive was set; well, I still hadn't come to a definite conclusion of   
the `How to'. All I really wanted was to end it right here and now.   
The only problem what really stuck in my mind was the fact that I was   
mildly afraid.  
  
I mean, who had done away with themselves and lived to tell about it?   
There'd be no point in it any more. And those wanting suicide would   
be better off than to have someone come up and tell them the in's and   
out's of suicide tactics.  
  
And I'd give up forever to touch you   
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow   
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be   
And I don't want to go home right now  
  
I have never tried suicide before, but I wanted nothing more at the   
moment than to get it over with.  
  
The war had been over and done with for about 5 years now. We had   
grown to be perfectly shaped and symbolic young men. The whole world   
praises and looks up at us as national icons made for publicity in   
tabloids, news reads and debates.   
  
Not only that, we'd become the favourites of many fanatical women out   
in the world and colonies, almost as though we were the latest in boy   
bands/groups or whatever. But that was not so much the cause of my   
dilemma.   
  
After all the fighting ended, the Gundams destroyed save for the   
small Gundanium pendant around my neck that the 5 of us had agreed to   
keeping; each was from parts of our respective Gundams. A sort of   
sentimental value.   
  
Perhaps you think that this sort of thing sounds kinda weird and that   
we shouldn't have these around our necks, because they are bitter   
reminders of the past. But the past wasn't as bad as everyone makes   
it out to be. Well to me that is… the only past I see in the   
Gundanium around my neck is Duo's and my past.   
  
And all I can taste is this moment   
And all I can breathe is your life   
'Cause sooner or later it's over   
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
  
From the first time we made love in our Gundams to the times we   
fought side by side. It's complicated for any other human being to   
comprehend... you gotta get into a Gundam Pilot's head to know what   
they are thinking. I turn back towards the ocean and gaze out once   
more. Still I am confused… part of me wants to end it all and the   
other wants to just get on with my life.  
  
Complicated as a decision it may be, it's a choice that I will be   
making very soon. I must have been here for about 3 or 4 hours now   
simply debating on whether or not I could really go through with it.   
I was starting to have doubts. What could be worse for a suicidal   
person having doubts about whether they wanted to die or not.  
  
And I don't want the world to see me   
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand   
When everything's made to be broken   
I just want you to know who I am  
  
I started to break down in tears; it was all too much for an   
emotionally unstable person such as myself. I have been to countless   
counselling sessions where I confessed to my deepest darkest of   
secrets and depressions. I wanted to keep it all in me but no matter   
how much I tried to suppress it the physiatrists still managed to   
make it come out one way or another.   
  
I remember to the first time I went to the psych. I was asked a lot   
of questions, some of them we asked over and over again till I   
answered them or until they were happy with the result they had out   
of me. One of the last questions being, `Do you think you are at a   
high risk of suicide, Heero?'  
  
How could I, a former Gundam Pilot answer that and keep a straight   
face? There was no way. Anyway they'd eventually see through my   
facade sooner or later, one way or another. Duo told me that's just   
them doing their job.   
  
One thing I can hardly forgive myself for is the fact that I keep   
nearly all this hidden from Duo. He has a right to know... Doesn't   
he? It's all to confusing to me... I just don't know what to do now.  
  
I just wish someone would tell me. Would help me. Duo, I need your   
help.  
  
~~~  
  
"Hey, Heero… are you ok?"  
  
No I'm totally fucked up. Duo I need you to-  
  
"I'm fine." I think…  
  
"You… look really pale, like you've just seen a ghost."  
  
He spoons up behind me in our double bed and pulls the comforter up,   
covering us completely. I can feel his heart beating, but why does   
mine feel so dead? I feel like I'm about to cry; I want to tell him   
not to come too close to me. I don't want him to see me crying.  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming   
Or the moment of truth in your lies   
When everything feels like the movies   
And you bleed just to know you're alive  
  
"I'm fine Duo, go to sleep."  
  
This is too much; I love him so much it hurts deep inside. Now my   
head hurts and I'm going to cry, I know it. But I will hold back till   
he is asleep. I want nothing more than to die right here and now,   
this is tearing me apart.  
  
I'm so fucked up.  
  
~~~  
  
And I don't want the world to see me   
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand   
When everything's made to be broken   
I just want you to know who I am  
  
"HEERO?"  
  
*BANG BANG*   
  
"Heero open this door RIGHT NOW!"  
  
I can't Duo, I deserve to die for all I did to those people, that   
girl.  
  
"Whats going on, Duo?" I hear Quatre outside the bathroom door, and   
what sounds like Wufei and Trowa.  
  
"He's locked himself in there for about 2 hrs now and won't come out."  
  
*BANG BANG BANG BANG*  
  
"HEERO… Please… What are you doing in there? Open up… Heero?"  
  
And I don't want the world to see me   
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand   
When everything's made to be broken   
I just want you to know who I am  
  
  
I can't let you see Duo, I'm so sorry. I love you. I wince slightly   
as I drag the blade across one wrist and then the other. I watch the   
blood rapidly oozing out of my tainted body and onto the tiled floor.  
  
This is it. I have done it. I am going to die at last.   
  
I am free.  
  
"GOD DAMN IT… HEERO!" He crushes his body up against the door trying   
to break it down. The hinges splinter and creak with ever shove.  
  
"OPEN THE DOOR YUY!" Wufei shouts, probably helping Duo try to break   
down the door.  
  
And I don't want the world to see me   
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand   
When everything's made to be broken   
I just want you to know who I am  
  
It's too late, I can feel my body slowing down, and the pounding of   
my heart in my chest as it tries desperately to pump as much blood   
into my veins as possible. I fall flat onto the floor, my eyes slowly   
slipping shut with each blink I make and my breath becoming shallow.   
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
This is it, with my last breath.   
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
"Duo…"  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
*CRASH*


End file.
